Disclaimer: This guide is targeted at heterosexual men (with a focus on people looking for a relationship) and was written at the end of 2021 for a friend, the content might not apply to you. Also, a lot of the following might seem obvious to you but, as what is obvious to some isn’t to others, I am putting a maximum of information here in the hope that you might find things that you do not already know.

There are a lot of men per woman on those apps so women there are used to doing very little work and having a lot of choices to select from. A lot of the following recommendations derive from that principle.

In general, when trying to flirt with someone (whether by chat or during a date):

• don’t be a weird person (most men on apps are weird internet strangers, you want to quickly convey that you are not one of them)
• be positive (negativity is unattractive)
• be interesting (once you have established that you are not a weird person, you can let people on to your uncommon interests and passions)

Don’t worry about not being white or young, etc. There is someone for everyone and the things you perceive as downsides might be especially attractive to others. What you want is, to be honest (never lie, you are trying to build a long-term relationship) and open (you want people to drop your profile quickly if you are not a good fit so that both of you avoid wasting time).

Tinder is mostly oriented toward young people looking for sex so it might not be a good fit depending on what you are looking for but it has the largest number of users.

Bumble brands itself as an app that empowers women (they send the first message). In practice, women will most likely send you a “hi!” and wait for you to open the conversation. It has fewer users than Tinder but more users looking for serious relationships and options to let you filter those users and focus on them so you might get more high-quality answers there.

I heard good things about Hinge. It is less physical appearance oriented and more about the user’s personality so it might be a good fit. However, it has a much smaller user base.

In all cases, I recommend taking the paying options that let you see who liked you (this avoids you wasting too much time swiping) and pushing your profile forward (if your profile is lost in the mass, you are wasting time).

I also recommend getting all the above apps instead of focusing on one (maybe adding one per week until you have all the apps you think might be good for you). You want to maximize the number of persons exposed to your profile.

Use at least 3 pictures. All good quality and putting you to your advantage (no need to try and put an honest picture, you want to aim for slightly better than in real life as pictures will be the disqualifying factor in most cases). Try to be alone in the picture (the worst picture possible is a picture in which people do not identify you right away) and aim for pictures of you doing things you like rather than just standing.

Get your profile verified. Most apps have a mechanism to confirm that you are the person appearing on your profile picture (some even have mechanisms to signal that you are vaccinated).

Your profile text should be kept short (there is a lot of competition so people will not read long texts here). Give important information about yourself (kind of job, kind of hobbies, etc.), convey some personality (personality is attractive, you want to differentiate yourself quickly from all the other men), and be very clear about your expectations (long-term relationship, casual sex, etc.).

There are lots of bots and scams on apps. You can politely ignore them or tell them that you suspect them to be scams or bots.

While chatting on the app, try to ask questions and do not expect them to be proactive in the conversation (you are in competition with a lot of other people).

A lot of people will start to interact with you and then disappear (“ghost” you), even far into the process (past the first date and in the middle of a text conversation). It is normal and okay, don’t send them too many reminders, and don’t take it personally. However, don’t ghost people. If you realize you are not interested in someone (whether while chatting or after an in-person meeting), tell them politely.

Try to get the conversation off the app, and onto something like text (or any messaging service) quickly (after the first date, which is a good occasion to exchange phone numbers, for example).

Apps are optimized to keep you there and swiping, be careful about their addictive and stressful aspects (I recommend setting one or two short times a day to be actively swiping but having notifications to react if someone actively likes you or started chatting with you).

You can expect more reactions during the first day as the app boosts new profiles. Then it will dial down to a baseline level. Overall it is completely normal to wait something like a month before having a physical date (maybe more, maybe less depending on your luck and the quality of your profile).

The first date should be in a public place (restaurants or cafés are classic, parks, even museums are good) and not at your place. Part of the first date’s job is to confirm that both of you are non-weird non-serial-killer types of persons and that you match your profile.

Don’t hesitate to swipe/chat/go on dates with people that appear slightly below your expected goals. You might have good surprises (some people are plain bad at making profiles or don’t want to get too much unwanted attention) and, at worst, it is practice for the chat and dates with the people you want most. Obviously, be honest with those people if it doesn’t click by the end of the first date.

One idea (maybe past the first date) is to invite the person to do something / go somewhere where you would like to go even without the person. Thus, you are going to be less stressed (because you are doing something that genuinely interests you), communicate more of your personality (because you are doing something that genuinely interests you), and, at worst (if the date is a failure), at least have done something you wanted to do.